It
is amazing how vulnerable one can be. Without trying that is. Yes, it hurts.
Not heart breaking, tear spilling, hair tearing hurt, but a twinge in the
heart. It makes me put the glass up just a little more. Retire inside a bit
more and feel left out. Its unintentional I know. Or is it? Maybe. Hopefully.
God, please let it be so.
Now
I have been on this side of the glass panel, well for life. It’s unbelievable
that it still makes me cry. Almost. A lot of times I think I am a loner because
of it. Or is it vice versa. It becomes increasingly difficult to figure it out
in my head these days. As time passes I can’t really differentiate between the
cause and the effect. I try desperately to calm down. Understand my behavior.
Their behavior. The reasons and the many whys?
Do
I scare people? Maybe. I am not sure what it is but I feel that people
generally maintain a distance from me. As if they are afraid of something. Me?
Could be. Maybe. It has always been like this. Even as a kid. It made me feel
like an outsider. Or was it that I knew I was an outsider and hence I made them
feel like that? I don’t know. I can’t be sure really. Does all this even really
matter? It did matter a great deal at some point of time apparently. Now, I am
not sure.
However,
it’s not a great feeling to feel like you are being pushed away. No it isn’t
for sure. But then I don’t really make an attempt to fit in either. Or don’t I?
Sometimes I do. In this case I genuinely did. And in return? Nothing. Feel like
a loser? Kind of. Makes me feel why take the effort at all. True. Why? Why do
we invest our emotions in the wrong place? Why is it that we end up begging
those for attention and favors who don’t give a dime about us? Why not care for
those who do so much for us? Why not be happy with what we have? Running after
the unachievable seems almost like a second nature. Is it the challenge? Is it
to feel more important? More people like you, more secured you are. Is it this
theory? Maybe it is all this and more. I don’t know. Hopefully someday I would
have solved this mystery. But this much is clear, I am no people magnet. I
don’t know whether to thank god for that or no. J
