There are words everywhere
Words of hope and despair
There are voices screeching away from the enclosed darkness of our homes
And there are voices singing them from the yellow of the sun
But when they enter the walls of my mind
And make themselves comfortable in the corners of it
They squeeze their colors which reflect in me.
Then are all those colors yours?
And am I simply a painting made by you
I think so not
Because in your voices these colors rot
And smelled of the putrid past or
Tasted of the rush of the future
I plucked them from their backyard of past
And caught them while they ran on the path of future
And planted my dreams and hopes on these seeds
Those seeds might be yours but the dreams are mine
The thought might be yours but I am the one who has made them flourish with the water of my reasoning and interpretations
I am not blind and should I choose to see from your eyes,
The choice would be mine
The repercussions will be mine
For, only I am the sole reason for making me
And none shall ever blame thee
For who I am and what I shall be.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My anthem
Friday, October 17, 2008
A day in my Life
Yes, so I live alone and although I love being by myself, having my family around is more than pleasurable. So, on Friday after convincing my dad that he can survive alone, my mum came down to visit me, ignoring the killer looks and heart-burn of my grandma (she personifies Shashikala's character of that typical Hindi movie mother-in-law) and many hints from my dad about his plight (For the life of him he can’t cook and actually I don’t think he should try either because nothing will be left of the kitchen if he ever attempts that feat). So, on Friday my mother and I had a very enjoyable evening wherein we went to Lajpat Nagar market, gossiped about our relatives, had an ice-cream and a gola and bitched about my relatives some more.
Next day my sisters (I have two elder sisters) were going to visit my place. My mum got up at 6 in the morning (thanks to my dad, who simply does not allow her to sleep after 5 because he goes to yoga at that time and obviously my mum has to do everything right from getting his clothes to making him tea, because as I mentioned earlier he is completely lost without her and cannot manage to even comb his hair on his own), and was tossing and turning on the mattress (I am a bachelor, I don’t have a bed!). No, I did not wake up because I am a sound sleeper and the world can crumble around me with cannons going off and aliens riding down with really noisy spaceships and I still wont get up! My mum tried sleeping till 7, gave up the attempt at 7:10 and then went to take a bath. She washed all my clothes (most of them did not require any cleaning according to me but she cleaned them anyway, out of boredom or because she was disgusted by my effort’s of keeping them clean, I do not know). She was done by 8 and by then she was fruitlessly trying to wake me up. Then by 9 she was done with making the breakfast and cleaning the house (my mum is a neat freak and cannot stand a dirty house). Although I said that even cannons blasting cannot wake me up, my mother washing dishes can. The clanking of the plates and cups were enough to wake the dead. So, I was very unceremoniously woken up and had no choice but to try and pick my body up to the bathroom (It often happens with me that when I wake up, although my mind is in my bathroom brushing my teeth my body simply refuses to make this surreal situation real). So after fighting the resistance that my body was offering ,I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I then came out and had my breakfast .
Till then we didn't know if my sisters were coming home or not. As they have husbands who will simply refuse to take the responsibility of the kids until and unless it is thrust upon them.
But somehow my sisters managed to convince their husbands that the kids wouldn’t really blow off the place and try and kill them. So being relieved of this temporary job of a jailer they were to come to my place. To freedom at last! But well, one cannot expect exemption from all their responsibilities and roles. And the role that they simply couldn’t shake off was that of a cook. They had to cook food for their family which is nothing short of an army (joint family you see) and can definitely give the appetite of an army a run for their money (or machine guns, have your pick).
As my sisters were supposed to cook for their family, I had to cook for them. No big deal you would say, but what if you have put all the masala and are almost ready to cook your Dal when you realize that the valve of your cooker is missing? It means your cooker isn’t working properly. Did we panic? No we didn’t. I cooked in it and left the rest to god. Apparently it turned out to be just fine. The utensil in which I was to make sabzi for us was too small to hold sabzi made for four people (I guess it never occurred to me and my parents while buying utensils that I might have guest some day at my house or that I will ever cook for them. My relatives really do not believe me when I say I can cook, including my parents).
I managed somehow and it was also quite ok and eatable (I am quite good at cooking actually. And I personally believe that self-praise is necessary at times).
So, with these minor glitches I finished cooking. However, it was 1:30 and my sisters were no where in view. So, I called up their place to find out if they have left or not (both my sisters are married in the same family).
Here I would like to mention they have two phone lines, one upstairs and one down and both are interconnected. So I called them up and guess what, everyone in the house decided to pick up the phone (the attention that you get form your family!). I first spoke to my sister’s mother-in-law but I could not do more than exchange a few pleasantries with her as my oldest niece (14 year old) snatched the phone from her hand, she apparently wanted to talk to me about something but could not because before she managed to take my name, her brother (8 year old) took the phone from her. After this it was a complete chaos! My younger sister’s kid’s (3 and 9 years respectively) picked up the phone from upstairs and all four were fighting on the phone, while in the same house! Yes that’s my wonderful family for you. And what was I doing the whole time? Trying to catch their attention and worry about my prepaid acc getting over. But alas! I failed to make my voice hear over their fighting and was completely denied my existence on the phone by them. Then my brother-in-law came on the phone, and wouldn’t you expect a grown man to sort this mess out? Well, with my family you cant. Instead of telling them all to shut up and keep the phone, he joined in the fighting and in fact started fuelling the brawl. As optimistic as I am, even I gathered that this is not getting me anywhere and I kept the phone without even bothering to say good-bye.
After that we had no option to wait for my sisters to turn up soon. You must be wondering why I didn’t simply call them up on their cells. They are completely technologically challenged and I did not know if they would have got their cell phones with them, which they don’t most of the time. Also, as everyone in my family is partially deaf and cannot hear their mobiles, even if it’s shouting on top of its voice (again and again) and craving for their attention, I knew it was pointless calling them.
It was almost 2:30 now and I was dying of hunger. Finally at 2:40 I decided to have my food as people who know me will tell you that I do not like to ignore natures call (yes of all kinds).
Luckily before I could attack my food with the knife of my hunger, my doorbell rang and my sisters were there. No, I did not get angry at them or greet them, but told them to join me later as I simply couldn’t wait anymore to eat (I could imagine the food begging me too). My sisters joined me before I could manage to get the first bite in (thanks to my super fast mum) and we had a very hearty and enjoyable lunch spiced up with lots of gossip, family and otherwise.
Then we decided to go to Chandini Chowk, as my mum and sis both wanted to buy saris and suits. Most of you must be aware that in India, once married very few ladies wear jeans and t-shirts as their husband’s family isn’t really comfortable with it. Same is the case is with my sisters. So, my younger sister decided to wear my jeans and t-shirt (my elder one didn’t as my jeans couldn’t fit her). Even my mum, who never wears anything but sari, was wearing a salwar kameez.
So, after this makeover was finished we went to catch the rickshaw. Riding on a road of jokes, laughter, light conversation with many bumps and a driver in a lot of hurry, who did not think of us more than human luggage and whose conscience did not screech at him when he drove too fast and nearly hit every vehicle on the road, we reached our destination.
We shopped for nearly two hours and had walked the length of the Bazaar. The crowd was unbelievable and there were enough people there to create a whole new state. The place itself was full of dilapidated shops, and here is where we see irony which can be only found in India, that these shops did a business of more than a crore every year. I imagined the place without the smell of the sweat and the voice of a person and shuddered involuntarily.
I was suffocating and not just by the crowd but from the way the shopkeepers where throwing the exorbitant prices of the most ordinary stuff at us. The fact that people where actually buying them (including my sister) now withstanding. You see I have recently started earning and have suddenly realized the importance money holds. However, the smiles of the would-be brides and their expectant faces along with a pout of a child and the stubborn argument of a girl to buy only the most expensive dress in the shop with her father, were enough to offset the otherwise glumness of the place.
We did our shopping and were ready to go back home. We didn’t find a rickshaw for nearly an hour. When we finally did, we went to 3C’s (a restaurant) in lajpat nagar to eat. My elder sister and I left my younger sis and mum to choose the dinner while we went to the loo to freshen ourselves. After looking at the prices of food items there, my mom decided that we better go to some other place. So, we took a bottle of water (paid more than the MRP, but didn’t really have any choice as we were all dying of thirst) and went to Haldiram’s. Although the prices were no less, my coupons (which I get from office) worked here (We Indian’s can spend 5000 through coupons but 500 in form of cash seems like a lot to us!)
By then my brother-in-law was begging my sisters to return as my niece’s and nephews had fought and blood was shed on both sides. My sisters were ignoring him and I was convincing him to make the kids have haffem (drug) and put them off to sleep.
Although this did not really convince him, he did let my sisters stay as it was already 8:30 by the time we finished with dinner and being the paranoid that he is, he didn’t want them to travel back home so late.
So, after doing a quick jig in Haldiram’s and entertaining people, we went back home. We all changed into my many ‘ghar ke kapade’ (night suits and stuff), we had a cup of tea while watching old songs on my cable TV and some more discussion about my unique and weird family.
Later that night we watched ‘Singh is King’, with special comments from everybody, making the movie 10 times funnier. Had tea at 12 in the night and went off to sleep while talking at 2 in the morning.
That day I did not dream because no dream could compete with the day I had just lived in real life.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A Wednesday
Let me first say what I found good in this movie. The best part about this movie was that Nasserudin Shah’s name was not revealed. The reason that by revealing his name his religion would have also been revealed, was something that made me think that if Neeraj Pandey (writer and director of the movie) learns the finesse of film making, he can create great cinema. Secondly, I think that this movie raised a host of questions (for me) which are extremely important for us to understand and ask ourselves.
First, how little do we take into account the meaning of the word ‘life’, whether of a terrorist or a common man? It doesn’t matter who is killing or who is dieing, the question that is left to be pondered upon is that before killing do we even consider that a ‘life’ is been robbed away from a body, which can be the embodiment of so many relationships and emotions. Those relationships and emotions lost in the void forever, never to be formed again, leaving not just that person dead, killing a part of those connected to him or her. How is it possible that these thoughts never occur to those who indulge in this heinous crime?
The feeling of numbness and hatred that is being planted in the minds of the common man is something to think about. The fact that this man, who doesn’t have any direct link to violence per say, doesn’t hesitate in killing those terrorist was something that made me shudder. Imagine the kind of numbness and emptiness, that man would have felt before doing exactly what he was against. It shows that when such crimes are committed, they simply do not take away the life of people, but passes on that evilness to those who have survived it. And we are being thrown into a situation, where we become the monster that we set out to destroy.
Another thing that the movie was quite successful in portraying was the threat that the technology is posing to the world. I work for an IT magazine and I know that computers, although have replaced our best friends can be our worst nightmares as well. As was quite apparent in the movie.
There are multiple reasons why this movie doesn’t become what it should have been. First and foremost the script could have been crisper and tighter. Unnecessary scenes adorn the screen. The actress who plays Nina Roy looks good in an item song, but as an actor she ruined the movie for me. Whenever she was on-screen the only thought that crossed my mind is why in the name of god was she chosen for this role? And please do not insult my intelligence by telling me that a reporter, not even a hot-shot one, can take a camera-man and a van and roam around the city without any consultation with her editor. Only a Barkha Datta will be able to do a fete like such and Nina Roy was no Barkha Datta. The idiocy of our media is well-known but can be please have some sort of reality about how it works seeped in as well?
Secondly, the character of Jimmy Shergil was not explored the way it should have been. Yes, don’t give the guy any dialogue and let his body speak for him. But in that case also some sort of a background, the reason he became the most feared policeman, had to be shown. Also, the character's should have been explored rather than making them a simple accessory in the movie. Which didn't make sense any how because the central message of the movie was how the common man has set out to kill these terrorist before they can kill him. So, these terrorist need to have a character and not just a body and a name. If the director would have gone even a little further in establishing the reasons behind why and how these terrorists are made, this would have been a fabulous movie.
The scene where the terrorist is reminiscing about his childhood fell flat on its face. Was it written to supply as a support to the dialogue later by jimmy or was it written to make the audience understand their psychology? The message was lost on me. A lot of such senseless scenes are there in the movie which should have been deleted from the mind of the writer the moment he thought about them. But alas! He didn’t do it and ruined the effect that this movie could have created.
Monday, September 1, 2008
The stranger in the night.
As if her hair wasn’t causing her enough problems, the rain was fighting its way down to earth as warriors with arrows on them, shooting madly at anyone and everyone. She sighed and accepted defeat. It seemed as if the forces of nature have come together to make creases appear on her forehead.
She was looking around, as she didn’t know what else to do, when her eyes fell on a long figure looming towards her. He looked like a mass of darkness to her hiding behind the veil of rain, which had by now wrapped the black of the night around itself.
The man didn’t even notice her and went a little ahead; spread his arms, tilting his head upwards and started revolving slowly on the spot, with a huge grin on his face. She looked sideways and was surprised to find no camera or movie crew around him. She was a little taken aback by this erratic behavior.
“I like your hands”, he said staring at her fingers. “Would you like me to choke you with them? I am capable of doing that”, she replied still looking on the other side of the road.
At that moment, he took her in his arms and kissed her fiercely and forced her to let him enter her mouth. She did. He then stopped abruptly and moved away from her. He started going the other way and then turned back and smiled at her, “I don’t think I will ever taste anything so sweet ever again". He turned on his heels and left.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Life goes on…
I was reading about the stampede in the Naina Devi temple, in Himachal Pradesh, which caused 145 lives. One of the devotees, namely Ram Prakash, said, "It's a question of faith. The tragedy does raise a question in your mind but faith is supreme. Life has to go on”. Life goes on…this is not the first time that I have heard this sentence being used after such tragic incidents. I have been hearing them for quite some time now. Being from Mumbai, this theory or philosophy has more or less been a part of my personality. Actually, it was made to be a part of my personality. There is a blast, don’t stop for a moment and think about it, start moving about, after all, life goes on. I am on stage and not feeling well, but I have to act, after all, life goes on. There is riot going on in Virar and I have a meeting in Andheri, I can’t get scared and stay at home, after all, life goes on. I had a heart-break, but I can’t moan it, come on yaar, it was just a crush, move on; after all, life goes on. Sister’s cancer, brother’s feud with parents, professional and personal insecurities, cutting through all these, life goes on.
But can we pause for a moment and think where exactly is it going on. If there was a rumor in the Naina Devi temple that there is a landslide, because of which so many died, who started these rumors and why? What happened to the victim’s family? Are they aware of their loss yet? What about those who were injured? Are they all right now? And what about the fear that must have been imbedded in the next set of devotees due the next day. Why can’t they take a day or two and realize the loss of others and their good fortune. Why do they want to be numb and move on when there is so much left to do in the past? Why don’t they help others and realize that a tragedy has occurred, and not just dismiss the dead as mere numbers. Why not moan for a while for the lives that were lost and families that were destroyed?
We always do this to ourselves and others. I remember that day when the serial train blast took place in Mumbai in 2006. Remember it like it was yesterday. Four trains left churchgate station that day, out of which three were blasted into oblivion. I was luckily in the fourth one, on which a bomb wasn't planted. Although, I was suppose to be in the one that was blasted first. I used to catch that train everyday for more or less two years then.
That day also I sat in the train, but was somehow unsure of continuing on it. I was hungry, but also wanted to reach my house on time and this being a fast train would have help me reach my place as fast as possible. I was undecided and almost ignored my stomach cramps and the seducing smell of the kathi roll from the nearby food junction.
However, my hunger won in the face of my willingness to sit comfortably in that first class compartment, and reach home quickly while catching a nap in between. I jumped from the moving train and went to buy my roll.
When I came back the train was obviously gone and there was one slow train for Borivali and one for Andheri. As I live in Goregaon, it was obvious that I should take a Borivali slow, otherwise I would have to change another train if I took the latter. But somehow, I landed up in that Andheri train, which I wasn’t suppose to catch and saw the Borivali one pass by, regretting my decision of not catching it and wondering why I didn’t? In fact I had half a mind of jumping from this train as well and catching the Borivali one. But something pulled me back and I didn’t. Wondering all the way up till Dadar what was it? That is when lights in my compartment went off and my train stopped with a sudden jerk. It was raining heavily outside and no one knew what was happening. Suddenly an SMS came to a lady sitting next to me, who informed us that a train has been blasted. We dismissed it as a rumor and sat tight in the train hoping it will start soon. It didn’t, and the rumors started getting wilder. It seems now there were three blasts. I got scared and started calling up my family and friends. I couldn’t get through and by then I was seriously panicking. I got out of the train and ran out of the Dadar station. I went under the pull right outside the station and went straight to a PCO. Now for people who haven’t been to Mumbai, Dadar station in one of the major connecting points of the city, and is always crowded no matter what time of the day you decide to go there.
But on that day, it seemed like half the population of Mumbai was there on the roads. It was jam packed and mostly with men. I must admit that seeing so many men together intimidated me a bit. I had no clue where all the women where, but at that point apart from a few here and there, I was the only one. I dashed towards a PCO and tried calling home again. By then, it was raining cats and dogs and I was completely wet ( I never carry an umbrella with me). I couldn’t get through as phones were jammed, which we came to know later. I asked a man standing there, what was happening who said he had no clue. No one knew what was happening and everyone was stranded on the road hoping that the trains will start soon.
However, I decided that I will take a taxi and go home. I beckoned a taxi who refused to go. Another one wasn’t interested either and his feelings were passed on to the next one. I was soaking wet and my books, which couldn’t fit in my bag, were falling out of my hands and were almost ripped apart. Finally a taxi guy took pity on me and saved me from getting desolved in the heavy rains. By then it was confirmed by our radio jockey’s that indeed trains were blasted, and many have died. That explained the dead phone lines and abandoned trains on the platforms. I was anxious to get back home and be with my parents. Blasts were always somebody else’s tragedy and were never a part of my life. But now, it had touched my life, allthough not in a big way, but it still had. I was concerned about my friends and didn’t know if they were safe or not. Suddenly two girls and one woman, who I vaguely remember as seeing on the same compartment as I was in, came in front of my window and pleaded me to take them in. I did and the four of us, who weren’t aware of each other’s existence till then, embarked upon a journey to safety.We didn’t talk much and were only concerned about getting to our respective houses fast, praying that all was well with the rest of the family as well.
We sat quietly, trying to get our mobiles work every now and then, got frustrated when they stubbornly refused to and cursed the mobile companies in return . Finally, I got through my place and the relief in my father’s voice was an indication of how worried he must be. The way my mother was giving me instruction of how to come home straight, without stopping anywhere, showed how nearly in tears she was just moment ago. Voice of my brother from behind enquiring about me, showed how he must have been trying my number every two minutes, praying that it will ring and I will pick up. I was just assuring them that I was ok, when the phone went dead again. But at least my parents knew I was alive.
One by one all the other occupants of the taxi left and I was the only one riding it. Suddenly, in Jogeshwari, a mob of men attacked my taxi and were trying to stop it. The taxi driver and I were scared to death, but didn’t have an option, but to stop. I wondered if a riot has broken out and wether these guys were fanatics who wanted to kill me. I am not a religious person, but at that moment, I think I would have flaunted my religion, in case those people belonged to the same community.
However, they were locals helping the many stranded on the road, by forcibly stopping the passing cars and taxis, and making them take the people who didn’t have a mode of transportation.
They were having an argument with the driver of my taxi to take a few with him, who was refusing stubbornly saying that I have girl sitting in my car and I won't allow any unknown man to come in. Finally, one guy realized I was sitting inside looking extremely pale and scared and he stopped the others from arguing. He got a really ageing man and told him to sit beside me. He then came to me and said, “Madame he is also going to Goregaon, please take him with you. We are sorry, but you know the trouble all of us are in and we have to stand by each other”.
I smiled at him and said it was no problem at all. I dropped that uncle at his place and went home. I reached my place at 10:30 that day and my parents have never been so happy to see me. I ate my food, called all my friends to make sure they were all right, and went to sleep.
Next day I realized, it was not an off and we were expected to go to our college. My dad was paranoid and refused to send me anywhere. He was abusing Deshmukh, who was talking about ‘Mumbai spirit’ and how ‘life goes on’ and how we should ‘move on’ and not let the terrorist think that they got us.
But the terrorist did get us. And I think I deserved some time to get over the fear of that evening. And many others who lost their loved ones needed time to moan their death and realize what has been done to them. But no, we were and are, not allowed to feel or think of what is happening. After all, life goes on…
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Dreams
I had a dream last night about a puzzle,
With too many A’s,
And strawberry cookies on silver tray’s.
A man made of wood,
With a smile etched on his face,
A silver dress made of liquid blue diamond,
With blue and black laces,
Shoes made of glass
And a carriage that can fly,
Little fairies in my hair
And their enchanting smile that is sly.
I dreamt of Ice Cream Mountains
And chocolate on trees.
Of little kids with squatted knees
I dreamt of flowery packages
With little pink bows
And happy birthday songs
With toothed smiles
Smiling across the rows.
I dreamt of palaces and flowing gowns
Of knights in shining amours
And of horses white and brown
I was dreaming a dream of stars and a flowing stream
When my alarm went off
And I had to pull my socks and walk back into the real world
And let my dreams linger on my smile and forget it for a while.
My golden haired choclate boy
I must admit that before ‘Titanic’, existence of Leonard Di Caprio wasn’t known to me. And when I first saw that movie, I was much taken by his oh-so-typical-chocolate boy- looks than his acting skills. I was much younger; barely a teenager and my newly developed interest in the opposite sex demanded my ultimate devotion. So, you can understand why I wasn’t much interested in analyzing the acting skills of this golden haired boy, and drowning in his baby blue eyes was much more appealing to me.
However, over the years I have seen a lot more of Leonard and this time I have meticulously observed the various dimensions and layers that he possess as an actor.
Right from the street-smart yet naïve boy in ‘Titanic’ to a cocky smuggler in ‘Blood Diamond’. He got everything right in these movies. From the accents to the body language of the characters that he played, who were as different as a nut and screw. In ‘Titanic’ for example, he was sweet boy whose only possessions were his smartness and his integrity.
In ‘The Departed’ he was an insecure cop who doesn’t know what he is doing and why, but still has faith in the legal system of his country. In ‘Blood Diamond’ he takes us on a journey of a South African mindset and frustration with the system of justice and his distrust in it.
He has not just played these parts but he became those parts. He doesn’t just relate a story; he makes that story an experience which we live through.
On my personal ‘acting meter’, Leonard rates quite high. And I hope he continue to. After all, good looks and good acting skills is a combination hard to find.